Life in a Barn in the Woods

Got this in an email today. Based on the If You Give A Mouse A Cookie books by Laura Numeroff, which are all awesome books, but this one really resonates with me. Happy Mother’s Day all you MOMs out there. I learn from all of you each and every day. Thank you for all you give to me!

If You Give A Mom A Muffin

(Based on “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie” by Laura Numeroff)

If you give a Mom a muffin,
She’ll want a cup of coffee to go with it.
She’ll pour herself some.
The coffee will get spilled by her three year old.
She’ll wipe it up.
Wiping the floor, she will find some dirty socks.
She’ll remember she has to do some laundry.
When she puts the laundry in the washer,
She’ll trip over some snow boots and bump into the freezer.
Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan dinner
for tonight.
She will get out a pound of hamburger.
She will look for her cookbook (101 Things to Make With a
Pound of Hamburger).
The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the phone bill which is due tomorrow.
She will look for her checkbook.
The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her
two year old.
She’ll smell something funny.
She’ll change the two year old.
While she is changing the two year old the phone will ring.
Her four year old will answer it and hang up.
She remembers that she wants to phone a friend to come for
coffee on Friday.
Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a
cup.
She will pour herself some.
And chances are……
If she has a cup of coffee……
Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

As I was driving home this afternoon from my morning of fun at Wentworth Gardens, I eased on by the turnoff to a dear, but missing from my regular life, friend’s house. When Ella was born, we collided with this family who for many reasons became my home away from home. Steve and the husband worked together in Boston and were friendly, but the wife and I became almost inseparable. I would spend whole days at their house. Mornings turned into afternoons turned into dinner turned into sleepy Ella. With two older kids-her youngest was almost three when Ella was born-I felt reassured and nourished by her parenting style and advice and warmth.
A few months before Molly was born, our nanny give us three weeks notice. I still had three months of work to get through before I was on Maternity Leave. This lovely lady took Ella in for those three months and they may have been some of the best months of Ella’s child care life. She never wanted to leave when I went to pick her up—nor did I.
Well, life has happened as it does-With kids in many sports and returning to a full time job, she has become a phantom whom I seem to see in groceries stores-mostly. And I have become involved with families from town and weekends seem to fill and are gone before I even know it. However, she is forever present in my mind and I wish that I could find that ease and comfort of staying and being with her for hours, but for many reasons it has not happened.
Today-As I was easing on by the turn off-I had this sudden urge to tell her how much she meant to me and how much I needed her when I was starting out in Mom-dom and how I NEVER could have made it without her. SO I swung the car around and sped up into her driveway. And as I leapt out of the driver’s seat I could hear her WHOOP at the sight of me and in an instant we were hugging and laughing and crying. As I touched her face and thanked her and she talked over me and told me how much she missed me, I realized I had given myself the BEST Mother’s Day Gift.

Let’s start this off with a little Mother’s Day present from my wee one. I came home from work today and immediately got my eye’s covered and walked over to the stone wall. When my gift was revealed I witness my moo giggling and holding onto this pretty pot with flowers. What a fabulous gift! My girl is getting so big.

Here is my favorite part of spring-Uncovering/discovering the lady slippers. We take almost daily walks around the yard looking for this mysterious and elusive beauty. This one is coming up right on the edge of the yard. We put rocks around it so no one will step on it.

My circle garden that was planted for me last year by Meme and Ella is coming back to life in full force. My favorite flower in the bunch took it’s time coming up this year but hoorah-they are here!

I am happy to report that my mixed up flowering shrub that was first not flowering at all and then flowered in the fall has finally got it figured out and is flowering RIGHT now.

And last but MOST certainly NOT least-the BLUEBERRIES are COMING! Yippie! This sight got me all giddy and happy. Yum.

Today I had my second day of clinical supervision. And what did I learn today? That I have low self-efficacy. Super. But true. What is self-efficacy, you ask? Well, according to Wikipedia-self-efficacy is the belief that one is capable of performing in a certain manner or attaining certain goals.^[1] It is a belief that one has the capabilities to execute the courses of actions required to manage prospective situations. Click here if you want to know more.

Let me help you with an example. My supervisor was one of two professors in a Clinical Supervision course I took at USM over the past month. She shared with me today that on the second day, her colleague, my other professor, made the comment to her that “Beth is constantly putting herself down.” I apologize for what I am about to say or do before it is even done. This is important for me to look at as I think about my work with kids and even in my own life.

One of the things that directed her to her thoughts about my low self-efficacy was our discussion about my need for connection. My need to feel grounded and surrounded by things that I know and comfort me. My need that is so often fulfilled when I turn right down ridge road knowing that road is going to lead me to one of my most loved places. The smell of the lake, the sight of the house all set my mind and heart right at ease. I spent a good part of our time together today crying. About many things but the essence being that my sadness really shocked me. It came on suddenly and then furiously. See, I really love my family-I am talking about my first family-the one I was born into. And for some reason, I have chosen to live far away from family and they have chosen to live far from me. All for good reasons, but deep down it really bugs the hell out of me. Some of my happiest, most content feelings come when I am sitting next to my father in a beach chair with our feet on the wall watching the lake. Nothing more, nothing less.

The beauty of all of this, however, is that I can gain in self-efficacy. I can build on the beautiful things that are happening to me here and in the now and find that grounding in other places and other ways. And I am extremely hopeful that there will come a time when I no longer apologize for what I am about to say as I sit across from a student or a teacher or another counselor. That I will no longer turn away from that task that feels taunting or challenging because I am sure I can not do it perfectly.

As I gather others around me-The NH and Boston Nasons, all the families that we are growing closer to in this small little Maine town, That family in a small little NH town-I will fill that need for connection in the here and now. And every night-when my maine man joins me whether it is 8:00 or 2:00 I will hold on tight to the thing that bolts me right down to the ground and reminds me that I am capable of greatness.

This is my darling sister and adorable boyfriend. They are two lovely people, but something weird happens when they see a camera…And I have seen this before with people…but one of them has to make a face. I wonder do they turn to each other before the picture is taken to decide whose turn it is to make the face or does it just happen naturally. I am awed, amazed at the many faces they are capable of, no two faces are the same. Gifted I tell you…gifted. The first is not their best face, they must have just had an off day.
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Love you guys!

We had a big day on Sunday here in NoBo. There were no awards, no medals pinned on chests, no big celebrations, no news media to help document, no cake…but a big day none the less. On Saturday I taught Ella how to use the remote on the t.v. and we wrote down the numbers and the stations for all the kid channels they love. Yes, we watch t.v. Mornings usually start out that way…a little dragon tales, arthur while munching on some toast or cereal. Often after the eating is done it becomes forgotten for other activities, but yes we watch t.v. Why am I defensive?

ANYWAY-the celebration. So I taught Ella how to find their channels. Well, here is the beauty…at 5:55 a.m. the two girls woke up and instead of coming upstairs and pestering me for an hour or so until I roll out of bed growling and muttering-I am NOT an morning person, those little munchkins ran downstairs. I heard Ella pour cereal for herself and grab a yogurt and open it for Molly. They grabbed their trays and away they went. I rolled downstairs at 7:30. They were playing happily. Ella couldn’t have been PROUDER. She told me over and over all the things she did all by herself. I certainly didn’t fall back into a deep slumber but it was sooooooooo lovely to luxuriate in my bed without being dragged out of it by two little cretins girls.  And listening to Ella help Molly was so much fun.

Basically Ella had an awesome day on Sunday.  At one point-I looked at her and said-”what’s up with you?”  She looked at me smugly, “what can I tell you, I am a talented girl.”  I love the independence.

Plant Girls!

T-Ball on this cold and rainy morning. A drag getting there, but good once we were there. Ella played 1st base in this game and she was happy to have stopped a couple hits. So happy she would turn to me on the sidelines and shake her bootie and give me thumbs-up. Yeah Ella! This afternoon she left us for a birthday party. Molly and I stayed home-after a little coloring, we decided to have a HSM2 dance party. It’s really fun. About 3 songs in my sweet baby started yelling and crying at me which dissolved into a full-blown temper tantrum for about 5 minutes. When she finally calmed I pulled her on my lap and she put her head down on my chest. A few deep breaths and my big girl was snoozing like she was a baby again. I think I sat there forever enjoying that tender snore, warmth and a moment which will probably not come again anytime soon. When I finally decided to get somethings done before picking up E-I moved her to the couch and when I peeked in on her later-a little buddy had joined her.

Huge kudos to Angry Chicken. Once again a fabulous idea came from this lady. She had her kids cut out friday flyers to make picto-grocery lists. This morning while I cleaned up from breakfast I had Ella grab a couple sheets of paper, glue sticks and scissors while I got the ads and away they went. Much fun and we are looking forward to our trip to the grocery store tomorrow. However, do you think it is a bad sign when your 5 year old puts beer on the shopping list? And it is Bud light??

And my big accomplishment of the day-I finished 4 of our placemats we made over vacation. I love them! Because I finished four of them I am afraid that my motivation for finishing them is gone-HOWEVER-lo and behold Grumpa is coming to dinner on Monday so I set a goal to use those for dinner so I will get them done. I finished them! Phew-I feel better.

And just a side-thanks for all your responses on my last post. I was worried about posting about that, but everyone helped me feel good about it. LazyToadFarm-so good to hear from you. Thanks for commenting!

I think about death at least 5 times a day. Is that normal? I don’t know. And it isn’t an obsessive thought more like a fleeting idea, realization, acknowledgement of the inevitability of this event. Recently, I am surrounded by it more and more, but for the most part I am involved in or have heard story of the “perfect” death…the one where families members are near-good-byes are said-all the good stuff because if we have to go-man that is the way to do it. More and more I have felt like talking about death in an honest and frank manner is helping me confront this scary idea.

It really all started when I read Anne Lamott’s, Grace Eventually. Her insight and experience with death and thoughts about her life separate from her son really struck a chord with me. And I admired so much her ability to sit in the moment with her father and friends who were sick and with them in the moments of their death. Reading her made me challenge, my fearful nature and almost deniable thoughts of death.

And kids-oh kids-they shake everything inside me. Those girls living their lives eventually moving away from me more and more-starting their own lives. They will live with or without me. A very surreal idea indeed. That love is painful and awesome all at the same time.

But as much as I think of my kids-my partner, my maine man, my best friend…aggghhhh…right I have no words. Anyway, over vacation I read The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion. Wow-and then it was real and raw and WOW! Please read this book. Honestly, about twenty pages, I almost stopped. It was too much. I would sometimes feel my heart racing as I read her words. But I made it through-and again I feel one step closer with being more accepting about this whole thing.

The other day I was driving the kids home from the grocery store and out of the blue, my three year old asked me if I was going to die…and in an instant we were in the middle of this whirlwind of emotion. I said very casually, oh sure-someday–but la-de-da—(at least that is what it sounded like in my head). Ella stated-in a very confident, sure of herself tone-”Oh Molly, everyone dies-to make room for the other people. In a split second-Molly was crying and reaching for me-”I am going to miss you when you die, Mommy.” And I had this wave of sadness and wanting to cry with her and then knowing I needed to get it together. So I said “aw, Molly-love-let’s talk about your day at school.” And just as quick as it started we were on to happier topics.

“I would not leave. I would take care of her. She would be all right. It also occurred to me that this was a promise I could not keep. I could not always take care of her. I could not never leave her. She was no longer a child. She was an adult. Things happened in life that mothers could not prevent or fix….” Joan Didion

Fabulous book. Please read it.

Saturday started early here in Maine. We were all standing in or around the baseball field at 7:45 yesterday morning. Opening day ceremonies for the NBAA! Ella got her hat and t-shirt and had her first t-ball game. EVEN-wait for it MIKE- got to meet Wally the Green Monster. I KNOW, fantastic. Big doins! It was an awesome morning spent running around with friends in the sun and connecting with families from around town.
Giving Wally a high five!

Getting an autograph and their picture taken with the monster! Very brave!

On the bench waiting for the game to start-can you feel the excitement!

So cool when your daddy is the batting coach.

Run, ELLA, Run

After the game, we went home to play and work in the yard and then UNCLE PHIL came for a visit. Yahoo! We love Uncle Phil! We had a yummy meal, and watched Gone, Baby, Gone last night…not a great movie and it made it hard for me to fall asleep though I do love Casey Affleck.