This is what I am looking at on the table that I am sitting at on the back deck. Not really sure where I have been. Not really sure what is happening for me, but despite a general happiness with my life, I have been missing. And as some things change for me…in and around me. As an amazing friend moves on, and I puzzle about what I doing with my professional career, and I grow a little weary of being a mom (gasp I know), and I look around the world and wonder where I am supposed to be, I think it has left me deep inside myself and not able to go very far out of there.
I feel things shifting as this becomes more uncomfortable. And part of me suspects that this “existential crisis” comes from being in one place for the longest ever…In a relationship with a man for the longest ever, a mom for the longest ever ( :)), in a job for the longest ever, living in the same place for the longest ever. A long time ago something should have changed. The man should have grown weary of me and my ways, I should have not have been able to handle the responsibility of two amazing, innocent, fantastic lives, I should have found a new, closer to home, better job, and I should be living somewhere new. Those things are not the rule, they are not the mandate, they are not what has to be. (The smart persons drinking game…. Thesaurus!)
So hopefully, I will shake off the dust that is collecting around me and move on to develop all the things that are here before me.