Today I had my second day of clinical supervision. And what did I learn today? That I have low self-efficacy. Super. But true. What is self-efficacy, you ask? Well, according to Wikipedia-self-efficacy is the belief that one is capable of performing in a certain manner or attaining certain goals. It is a belief that one has the capabilities to execute the courses of actions required to manage prospective situations. Click here if you want to know more.
Let me help you with an example. My supervisor was one of two professors in a Clinical Supervision course I took at USM over the past month. She shared with me today that on the second day, her colleague, my other professor, made the comment to her that “Beth is constantly putting herself down.” I apologize for what I am about to say or do before it is even done. This is important for me to look at as I think about my work with kids and even in my own life.
One of the things that directed her to her thoughts about my low self-efficacy was our discussion about my need for connection. My need to feel grounded and surrounded by things that I know and comfort me. My need that is so often fulfilled when I turn right down ridge road knowing that road is going to lead me to one of my most loved places. The smell of the lake, the sight of the house all set my mind and heart right at ease. I spent a good part of our time together today crying. About many things but the essence being that my sadness really shocked me. It came on suddenly and then furiously. See, I really love my family-I am talking about my first family-the one I was born into. And for some reason, I have chosen to live far away from family and they have chosen to live far from me. All for good reasons, but deep down it really bugs the hell out of me. Some of my happiest, most content feelings come when I am sitting next to my father in a beach chair with our feet on the wall watching the lake. Nothing more, nothing less.
The beauty of all of this, however, is that I can gain in self-efficacy. I can build on the beautiful things that are happening to me here and in the now and find that grounding in other places and other ways. And I am extremely hopeful that there will come a time when I no longer apologize for what I am about to say as I sit across from a student or a teacher or another counselor. That I will no longer turn away from that task that feels taunting or challenging because I am sure I can not do it perfectly.
As I gather others around me-The NH and Boston Nasons, all the families that we are growing closer to in this small little Maine town, That family in a small little NH town-I will fill that need for connection in the here and now. And every night-when my maine man joins me whether it is 8:00 or 2:00 I will hold on tight to the thing that bolts me right down to the ground and reminds me that I am capable of greatness.